Everything reminds me of something...

everythingu @ 2008-07-28T15:15:00

2008-07-28T05:17:11Z

Goodness me, I can still sign in. Checking in; though I still haven't thought what to do with this journal as yet. I did like this one, I don't care to get rid of it. Hello to anyone out there still reading-some of you, I've really missed, actually, believe it or not. I do hope everyone is well. *hug*

everythingu @ 2007-09-15T12:54:00

2007-08-22T02:56:58Z

Am closing this journal down. You know where to find me.
Take care. x

everythingu @ 2007-09-13T00:23:00

2007-08-19T14:29:04Z

Oh.....And like Mr. Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys.....the biggest thing in my life right now is owning a washing-machine (not that I've had a hit record......yet. Neil Tennant had better watch out), and a fridge! A brand-new, humming fridge that is holding cheese and wine and yogurt. My life is complete again!
Although it's a little unnerving walking past the kitchen in the dark and hearing it humming away. A noise that's been absent for over a month.
Speaking of cheese....Where has it gone? :)

everythingu @ 2007-09-09T23:23:00

2007-08-16T13:28:11Z

Strange. The song that's keeping me going is "Disappointed", by Electronic.
Something in the music, the vocals....I really don't know.
It makes me want to.....Do. Be.
It's strange.
It gives me hope, and I don't know why.
How silly it must seem.
I'm probably just being a typical, overdramatic, *silly* fan.
But there's something there....

everythingu @ 2007-09-09T20:14:00

2007-08-16T10:17:49Z

Don't even the most simple of things sometimes amaze you with unknown stunning complexity?

everythingu @ 2007-09-08T11:51:00

2007-08-15T02:35:50Z

H'mmm...It would appear my yahoo is down. Now that's seriously annoying. I can't seem to log back into messenger. But I'm surfing the net fine....Odd.
So much to do end-of-week, am not looking forwards to it at all.

Why is it when people look at me, they see something dark, and think I'm disturbed, crazy, and shun me? I don't go around killing small children, nor do I eat little puppies. Why is society so deeply rooted into what one looks like, or dresses?
So I like black and red and purple and blue. And I like eyeliner. It doesn't make me some sort of mass-murderer. It really bothers that people search for labels, and if they can't they attack you instead. Mind you, I myself search for labels to which I can describe myself, too.

Where does that put me?

In a world where there's so many choices, we're pushed down so many paths, pressed to conform, yet told to be the best we can be, because we can be anyone, why then can't people see that I'm just me-and that I'm just looking for my own place in the world?

everythingu @ 2007-08-13T14:20:00

2007-08-13T04:27:08Z

Everything's too damned pastel-or grey. And I hate it. I feel as though I've trapped myself. I want to run away, but I won't. I'm trying, trying to trust people. Make new friends. But at the risk of losing older friends. I just don't know what to do.

I'm scared of myself. I'm changing so much I don't even know myself anymore. I'm thinking, feeling...a lot more. And to feel so much is so scary. I wonder how much have I missed out on, because I shut myself down so much? How many people who've crossed my path have I ignored because of my past-so I don't let them know me? Would those people have done me good, helped me, and I helped them?

I'm learning that not everyone has bad intentions. Although sometimes I feel safer believing they do, because I'm not used to this....And nor am I very good at finding things to say, at opening up to people.

Where does it all lead? When do you stop having to learn how, and just let yourself be?

everythingu @ 2007-08-13T05:43:00

2007-08-12T19:48:26Z

Morning. Meeps. ^^ I am seriously going to bed now. *looks at the clock with big tired eyes*
Why did starting "War And Peace" last night seem like a plan? Yes, it calmed me down. But I've now not slept. And putting it down will drive me bonkers. "War And Peace" can be summed up in five words, not five (well, three) volumes:
"A big book about Russia".
That's courtesy of my Dad. Submitted by he while at school.
And he wonders where I got the trouble-making itch from....

everythingu @ 2007-08-12T20:35:00

2007-08-12T10:37:53Z

....H'mmm, have managed to stablise it, though things are now ridiculously whizzy....Does that even make sense? I'm not too sure. I really should probably not write while in this state. Mind you, at least I can write....Small miracles.

everythingu @ 2007-08-12T20:14:00

2007-08-12T10:17:39Z

Oh, dear...I believe I may have taken an accidental OD of my meds....I'm tripping out.
It's not like acid, where you lose all grip on reality. No, this is far worse. This is knowing damned well what's going on, and knowing the stuff that I'm seeing, and feeling isn't right at all.
But the butterflies on my ceiling are pretty.

everythingu @ 2007-08-11T17:30:00

2007-08-12T03:11:22Z

And around my head, a wreath of rose-barbs. At my wrists, chains. Over my eyes, a thin haze...It blinds me, leaving me open and vulnerable to attack. I'm running into walls. The impact is dazzling, dizzying. Still I run on, getting up after I've fallen to my knees.

I ask, to where I am running? What am I running from? I look behind, to where I've come from, and I see the horrors that now live only in my memory. Still I don't want them. I don't want to be that girl-the girl whose seen those things. I can close my eyes, and imagine a fairytale...Laughter, sunshine, happiness. But it isn't real. It shatters too easily. Would I be who I am now if I hadn't lived through those things? Who would I be, now? Has my past shaped who I am today? Of course, the answer is yes. But I do wonder who I'd be if....

I can't even imagine it, actually.

But I don't think I'm as bad a person as I believe I am...I hope not, anyway. Though I do wonder what people make of me, what they truly see. What they see when they really do know me.

I'm sitting in my room, now. It's getting dark already. I'm sipping white-wine, occasionally touching up a sketch I'm currently working on, occasionally writing down a line for a song-lyric. I wonder...If people looked at what I wear, and how I decorate, would they know me? Wearing: a mesh cob-web top underneath a red, slashed sleeve, close fitting shirt. A black choker at my throat, set with a huge Celtic crucifix. Black and white striped tights. A black short skirt with a ripped, floaty gauze overlay. Purple New Rock boots, knee-high. Black plastic bracelets by the dozen on my arms. My room-old, elegant wooden furniture. A high bed, with a dark wine-coloured and black silk woven comforter. My window-draped over with black gauze. The rose-wreaths on the walls. My posters of dark fairies, a beautiful vampire. My mobiles-one with butterflies that catch the breeze over my bedside table. Over my ceiling light, a black net mobile, drapped with rubber vampire bats, roses, a knife with a rose stuck to it. My dresser with it's framed photos of loved ones, a vase of roses. Perfume, red candleholders. My low bookshelf....Strewn with titles about Russian and Eastern History...Poetry. Volumes by Graham Green, Charles Dickens, Sylvia Plath. Music books. On the top shelf, underneath the window, my oil burner. More framed photos. Begoth dolls. My stereo unit, resting on the floor. On it's speaks sit my snow-leopard (gift from a friend). A signed c.d. Another photo. The guitar, violin, mixer and keyboard tucked neatly into a corner.
Black roses are strewn in random places....In the corner, dripping down the wall. A bunch on my bedside. In a vine, dripping over the very end of my bed. My room is at once old meets new. It doesn't clash at all. It's decorated stylishly, adult-but for the dolls and the brightly-coloured butterflies (the only things that are not red or black or purple). The posters are art-posters....What does this say about me? Could one really judge me on this? How much could you tell about me? My interests? My age? How I myself look? Guess....how would you guess I am as a person, judging by this. How do you percieve me? What would you guess I looked like?
How would you judge me?
Just curious.

H'mmm. Am going graving tonight-have bought supplies (goonie-goodness, menthol cigarettes and candy)...I'm looking forwards to it. Oh-it's not graveyard raving. It's my other style of graving. Taking a walkman, my art supplies, and my notebook, and going and sitting in the old cemetary (it's huge) and quietly listening to music, writing, and observing the night. I just hope it's not too cold.

I've been interviewed...

2007-08-11T06:16:31Z

1. Leave me a comment, please, asking me to interview you.
2. I will ask you five questions.
3. Post these in your journal with your answers.
4. If you like, ask me five questions back.

Just a way of getting to know each other better (and finding out more from those we do know!) Click the cut below.

1. What was the best moment for you during our time together in England?

H'mmmm. I'd have to say talking calmly and hiding under a bush from the rain in Brighton. I really loved that. The closeness, the way words seemed to flow. It was very easy for me to talk that night, to open up. That for me is unusual. Also I felt very calm, easy within myself.

2. What city would you like to wander through at night that you haven't gotten to explore?

H'mmmmmm....Someone does know me well. I love walking around the city at night.
I'd have say....possibly Hamburg? Or Tokyo? Hong Kong? Moscow? Any of those places. I'm drawn to the different cultures, the people, the history of those places. Especially the culture of Tokyo or Hong Kong. Those cities stun my with their vibrancy, the people are so....I really don't know how to describe it. But the lifestyles there are....very pop culture, does that make sense? But the lifestyle rooted on a metaphysical, spiritual history and belief system. It just doesn't seem to work-but it does.

3. Say something to me you have always wanted to say, but haven't, for whatever reason.

Oh, goodness. I haven't a clue. Wait, I got it: I am the Cookie Monster. You must obey me! I am Yoda. Feel the force. ;)

4. What is your favourite memory of Oliver? (I do miss him, too, if I'm being honest.)

I'd say....Just his personality...He could be very sunny, bright, funny. But not always. There was a dark, very broody side to him. He wasn't as airheaded as he pretended to be. He'd completely surprise you with sudden insight, some new wisdom.

5. If you could tell the world just one thing, and know that what you said would make a real difference, what would you want to say?

Eat more yogurt. It's good for you!

everythingu @ 2007-08-11T09:40:00

2007-08-10T23:41:07Z

I am officially pissed-off. Flaming idiots on the flaming forum I flaming belong to. Someone is playing games. Someone is framing a friend of mine. And I'm *really* flaming annoyed by it. And there's not a thing I can do...except try to call them on it. Problem is, I think the other person involved in this little drama was there when I did. And I'm not sure they were too flaming impressed when I started naming certain people, either. So I went and made a post, venting my rage. Why can't people grow the hell up? If they know half of what they do know, surely, logically, rationally, they'd keep their mouths shut.
Sorry to be such a grump. Venting helps. So does an AK47, I've been told.

everythingu @ 2007-08-11T07:36:00

2007-08-10T21:56:59Z

That really wasn't such a crash hot-idea writing out that story-thing last night. As a result I woke up choking, a dream-robe over my head and face, the weight of a dream person pressing down onto me. Jayson woke me up-one of the few times I appreciate actually living with a flatmate instead of alone.
Nothing a good cup of strong coffee with perhaps a hint of scotch (or rum) in won't cure. Though it's tempting to add the entire bottle.
I'm not really grumpy. Shaken, tired, a little on edge...My head's a little fuzzy, but that could be from the meds.
H'mmm. There's been a story-style response in indeedydoodah 's journal-I'll write a response for you sometime today, doll, and I'll put it behind a cut for you.
I'm thinking about going graving later-by that I usually mean one of two things: going raving at a cemetary, or going to a cemetary to do some art or writing. It's the latter, today.

everythingu @ 2007-08-10T23:00:00

2007-08-10T13:57:22Z

I still can't find my cheese.
So I'll just have to go to bed without it.
Eughnnnnnnn.
Guten nacht.

everythingu @ 2007-08-10T09:47:00

2007-08-10T08:44:02Z

Argh, whose moved my cheese?!?!?

everythingu @ 2007-08-10T15:14:00

2007-08-10T02:20:43Z

Someone, out in the night, a single lonely voice is calling...
And no-one can hear.

I've not slept. Haunted by strange twisting dreams. I'm afraid of the dark. It leaves me paralysed in my bed, until I manage to finally run, and then it's outside and away. There's nothing frightening outside. It's only in dark, shadowed rooms that the darkness is dangerous.

Yet I'm growing up. My appearence, my mannerisms, my thoughts...All changing, shifting. I look into my own eyes and I see a child-yet a child with grim resolution in her eyes. It's cold outside, but she's going to make it, even if on her own.

People seem so very far away from me. Almost as though they (or I), aren't real.

My resolution to find myself...I'm digging down, down within myself. I've a core of quiet strength I didn't ever realise. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm loving being alone, away from everyone...Though that in itself, is a little scary. Even at night, rather than reach out, I'm happy just to be alone with my voices, my thoughts, my demons. I patiently wait til dawn.

I'm afraid though. All of this is so new to me...I'm lost as to where to go, what to do.

Oh, my Gods!

2007-08-09T04:58:28Z

I'm flaming online-but using someone else's internet-oh boy!
Someone has airport-if they knew how eternally grateful I am to be able to leech off them....*grins*
I can't log into yahoo though, which is a pain, but I have been able to log in here and into PSB chat....Woooooooohooo!
I wonder if I can get into trouble for doing that....It's my airport you see, it allows me to connect anywhere where there is a server...Which can be very cool, as I have discovered.
I'm very sorry I've not been able to update...But expect more now I've discovered this!

Something...Anything?

2007-06-29T04:31:18Z

I'm tired. Drained. Lost. I'm looking at my reflection in a mirror near where I sit, and I almost don't reconise myself. What's wrong with me? Even my eyes, the normal crazy green/grey/brown/blue colours they go, don't seem my own. They're not....just sad. They're shadowed. Glassy. Strangely....blank? Does that make sense? I look desperately pale...What's wrong with me? What?

Things...are difficult. Crazy. I don't trust a soul, not after today. I really don't. My friends always were few...and now I find myself without one to turn to-I mean, I have friends I could turn to, but I...don't want to.

My thoughts are jumbled. My mouth is dry. It's cold here, and yet...People shiver in jumpers, and I'm in a shirt...the cold goes through me, I don't feel it.

I'm so...numb? No, that's not right. I'm feeling, alright. Everything, deep inside. It just...isn't making any sense.

Though my trust and faith in humanity and people is shot right now, I'm going to take a risk. This journal I will...leave "public", instead of making it private, as I normally would and do.

Those "November leaves" are falling fast.